I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
