saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
