so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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