the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
