i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
