drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
