there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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