Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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