Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Another day, another engagement, another cat
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
