Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
