I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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