Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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