I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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