you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
