Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I will pee on everything he values.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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