Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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