Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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