I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
