You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Randomize
