I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
