alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
