I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
