My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
