The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
