Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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