I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
