I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
