I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
