im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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