We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
