oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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