she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
