i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
