Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
