No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Are my feet made of real feet?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
