Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
