Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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