now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
tell your sister to shave her snatch
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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