hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
