So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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