strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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