Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
