google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
