Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
