Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
