The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
