he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
My apartment stinks of burning failure
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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