i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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