She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
