i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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